First of all you have to listen to this song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o92ErAy9f6U It’s an oldie but a goodie. I hope you are joy filled now. I was the bald lady on the H3 freeway rockin out to this song. In the middle of the song 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 is quoted, “We are pressed but not crushed, persecuted not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed.” This is one of the verses I’ve memorized this year, which may have something to do with why I like this song so much.
As chemo comes closer to an end, I am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel (one that seemed to start a really long time ago). It is exciting. And yet now a new chapter begins. The longest I have gone without any appointments this year is 2 weeks. Come November I don’t know really what I’m going to do with myself. Initially, all I wanted was to be “normal” again. To go back to the life I had before. But as I’ve learned, cancer changes that. Once you have it, you are branded with an invisible cancer tattoo. It doesn’t wash off. My hair will grow back and people won’t know. I have to learn how to live as a survivor. A few people have asked us, “How do you know if the chemo worked?” Well, to put it bluntly, you don’t. In my case chemotherapy and radiation are preventative treatments. We know we made the right decision. And here’s the thing, you either believe God is sovereign or he isn’t. Statistics will tell you cancer isn’t good. But as anyone who’s been thru a tragic loss knows, life is short. Whether I have cancer or I’m a Navy SEAL headed on an op what are the odds of survival? When I told my good friend Sheila about my diagnosis, she said, “This does not number your days.” I can’t tell you how much that has comforted me and still does. Our days are numbered. But HE is the one who numbers them, cancer or not. The truth is I now don’t want to go back to the way I lived before. I worried about stupid stuff. I micromanaged. Ironically, cancer is changing that. The Holy Spirit gave me a great visual image this summer. When something starts worrying me I imagine a bookshelf with empty white boxes on it. I take a box off the shelf and add the problem, people, or situation. I fill the box, write a title on the front, and slide it over to Him (there’s also an imaginary table). He takes the box and hands me a Willy Wonka-like golden ticket that says, “JOY” on it. Sometimes I need to add to a box I’ve already started. Sometimes it is hard to give him the box because I want to control what’s in it. Sometimes, something is so big you need a U-Haul truck to carry your box. But the best part is that once I give it to Him, the boxes get put on his shelf not mine. He takes them every time. There are a lot of things in this world I’ve tried to control. I can’t control cancer. Even brilliant, dedicated doctors who have studied for decades sometimes can’t. But I can put cancer in a box and give it to Him and just like the song says, I can trade my sickness for joy.
7 Comments
Lucy Aboudara
8/12/2017 04:36:12 am
I. LOVE. THIS. Beautiful thoughts beautifully written. Get ready to ring that bell, girl!
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Krista Dupps
8/12/2017 08:04:59 am
I wish there was a "love" button for your posts. The wisdom and clarity has been so inspirational and such a help.
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Rachel Whupple
8/12/2017 02:57:55 pm
Such a beautiful post and good reminder to us all. Thanks for including us in the journey.
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Cathy Ruff
8/12/2017 04:13:23 pm
Oh wow, a deep-heart AMEN to that!
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Erin
8/12/2017 10:20:56 pm
Beautiful! Your joy is clear! God's irony always makes many giggles! Much love friend! Proud of you! Your iron is sharpening so many!
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Donna
8/14/2017 12:03:13 pm
You have traded cancer for wisdom, my dear friend. You will always carry that tattoo, too. ❤️
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Debbie McCorkell
8/16/2017 11:20:03 am
Hi Nikki,
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